Hello everyone, how have you all been? I can’t believe that I have not posted anything here since December 2015. Well I have been so busy with a lot of things both personally and at work. Also my son Zion was born in May this year. He has been such a blessing and we have readjusted well to his grand entrance into our family. I am glad to be back here. I have discovered that the workload before me won’t finish but will keep increasing. So I have decided to find my way around blogging like I used to. I have missed blogging so much. And I have also missed you all. Haha! If you notice, I have revamped the blog. I am glad to also announce that my awesome wife Sola will be blogging regularly. I am so happy about that. We make such a great team. Now lets go to the topic of discussion.
I have heard many of the older generation say, “Woke na nwanyi ana ha akpa uri”. Which means that a male and a female do not build friendship. They scream at us and sometimes ban us from making friends with the opposite sex. The myths they sold to us was so incredulous that some ladies grew up thinking they would get pregnant if a man so much as touches them. What a poisonous information.
Many of us men also grew up with the mentality that it is impossible to be friends with the opposite sex without feeling sexually attracted to them. That becoming close with a female must eventually result to something more emotional and intimate. So this mindset has created what I call “The fall in love default programming”.
Our mental conditioning has influenced our emotional disposition, making us think and feel that falling in love is the next normal thing to do once you develop a close rapport with the opposite sex. This explains why you go ahead and fall in love with a guy or a lady and when he or she turns down your proposal or doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, you shut down completely and zone off from relating with them. And the popular response usually is, “If we cannot date, then we cannot be friends”. This also explains why some people will fall in love with you in 10 minutes and would want to marry you after a week without knowing anything about you.
Why can you not be friends with someone who refused to date you? Look at it this way, all feelings aside; when you meet someone, you see something in them that attracts you to them, several conversations ensue, you get closer and then you fall with them. When you make your feelings known and it turns out they done feel the same way you decide to sever all ties with them. What this simply means is all along, all you wanted was to fulfil your desire of needing someone to love you. This desire is selfish in itself. If the whole time you were relating with this person you actually struck up a real and genuine friendship, you wouldn’t ask them never to call you again simply because they wouldn’t give you what you want. Hello! How in the world did you get to “love” in the first place?
It has become seemingly impossible to handle rejection in this generation. No one taught us to accept no for an answer. No wonder some men would rather take sex by force or use intimidation to force the lady to date them. And the women will use all kinds of seductive, cunning or fetish ways to get a man to be with them. If you truly love someone who doesn’t love you back, you would let him or her be. If you truly care for them and not make it all about yourself and your desires, you will offer them your true and sincere friendship if it’s all they are willing to accept.
I do totally understand however that you might need some space to get over someone you fell in love with to help you work out your emotions, but when you stay away because you can’t have them, then there is a problem.
One of the reasons I believe many consciously or unconsciously think falling in love is the next right thing to do is because we were not taught how to build healthy friendships with the opposite sex. We were not taught what boundaries to set both emotionally and physically. It is either we stay away or we go in fully. There is no in between.
I think we need to start teaching the younger generations and ourselves how to see the opposite sex rightly. We need to first know and then teach them how to build healthy relationships with established boundaries under our supervision as adults. We all also need to know that there are people you don’t fall in love with. And if by any means you do fall, you should fall right out of it. For example, someone who is married or engaged to be married.
This “fall in love default programming” is not a good disposition for anyone. It is not helping anybody. Our default programming should be first to build value-adding friendships. We need to get this right. If there is one thing you need to take away from all that I have said, know that friendship is the foundation for every successful relationship. It is wise to start from there.
You are the best of your kind. You are the next big thing. Make it happen!